25 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
25 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
Getting married involves answering one very big question.
But before you answer it, there are a few smaller ones worth talking about.
The best questions to ask before getting married aren't designed to test your partner or prove you're perfectly compatible. They're about understanding the life you both want and whether you can build it together.
Your Future Together
You don't need a detailed plan for the next 30 years. But you should have some idea of where the other person hopes they're heading.
- What does a happy life look like to you?
- Where would you like to live long term?
- What are your biggest ambitions?
- What are you unwilling to compromise on?
- What would you like our life to look like in ten years?
You don't need identical answers. The important thing is knowing whether your versions of the future can comfortably exist together.
Children and Family
Some differences are easy to work around. Whether you want children probably isn't one of them.
- Do we both want children?
- If we do, when would we want to have them?
- What kind of parents do we want to be?
- How would we share childcare responsibilities?
- How involved do we want our families to be in our lives?
These conversations can feel very far away when you're still deciding whether to get engaged. But assumptions have a habit of becoming problems later.
Money
Talking about money isn't particularly romantic.
Neither is discovering three years into a marriage that one of you wants to save every spare penny while the other thinks money exists to be enjoyed.
- What is your relationship with money?
- Do either of us have debts or financial commitments the other should know about?
- Would we combine our finances?
- What are our biggest financial priorities?
- What does financial security mean to you?
Money is rarely just about numbers. It's tied to security, independence, ambition and the kind of life you want to live.
Your Relationship
Being ready for marriage doesn't mean having a relationship without problems.
It means being able to talk about them.
- What makes you feel most loved by me?
- What do you need from me when you're struggling?
- What do we argue about most?
- Is there anything important we avoid talking about?
- Are we both happy with our intimacy and sex life?
Relationship researcher John Gottman's work has repeatedly challenged the idea that successful couples simply don't argue. His research suggests that what matters is how couples manage conflict, maintain friendship and create shared meaning together.
As Gottman puts it, "Conflict is inevitable."
The goal isn't perfection. It's learning how to navigate your differences without losing respect for each other.
Marriage Itself
Sometimes couples spend more time talking about the wedding than the marriage.
These final questions bring the conversation back to what you're actually choosing.
- Why do you want to get married?
- What does marriage mean to you?
- How much independence do we each need?
- What worries you most about marriage?
- If our relationship stayed exactly as it is today, would you still want to marry me?
That last one is worth sitting with.
Marriage shouldn't be based on the assumption that someone will eventually become tidier, more ambitious, more affectionate or better at communicating.
You're choosing the person in front of you, not a future version of them.
You Don't Need the Same Answers
The point isn't to get 25 out of 25.
You might disagree about money. You might want different amounts of independence. You might have completely different relationships with your families.
That's normal.
Compatibility isn't about being identical. It's about understanding your differences and deciding whether you can navigate them together.
A Place to Start
If these questions have made you curious about where you and your partner really align, our Relationship Test goes deeper.
It explores 19 dimensions of your relationship, from communication and conflict to money, intimacy, family and your plans for the future.
It won't tell you whether to get married or break up. It'll simply help you understand your relationship more clearly.
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Want to put this into practice?
Take the Relationship Test