What If One Person Wants Marriage and the Other Doesn't?

You love each other.

You are happy together.

You can imagine growing old with them.

There is just one fairly significant problem.

You want to get married. They don't.

Or perhaps it is the other way around.

When one person wants marriage and the other doesn't, it can feel like the entire relationship has suddenly been reduced to one impossible question.

Do you wait?

Do you compromise?

Do you accept that marriage might never happen?

Or does wanting different things mean you are ultimately with the wrong person?

The answer depends on something more important than whether your partner currently wants to get married.

You need to understand why you want different things.

First, Work Out What "I Don't Want to Get Married" Actually Means

There is a huge difference between:

"I don't want to get married yet."

and:

"I don't ever want to get married."

There is also a difference between:

"I'm not ready."

and:

"I'm not sure I want to marry you."

They can sound painfully similar when you are the person waiting.

But they mean very different things for your future.

Before deciding what this disagreement means for your relationship, you need to understand what each of you is actually saying.

1. Ask Why Marriage Matters to You

Before asking your partner to explain themselves, understand your own answer.

Why do you want to get married?

Is it about commitment?

Security?

Starting a family?

Tradition?

Religion?

Being recognised as a family?

Simply knowing that someone has chosen you?

Or does marriage feel like the natural next step because you have been together for a certain number of years?

There is no wrong answer.

But knowing why marriage matters to you makes it much easier to explain what you are actually asking your partner for.

The Gottman Institute makes a similar point in its guidance for couples where one person is ready for marriage and the other is not. Rather than immediately focusing on the hesitant partner, it recommends first becoming clear about why marriage matters to you.

2. Understand Why They Don't Want to Get Married

"I don't want to get married" is an answer.

It is not always an explanation.

Ask what sits underneath it.

Maybe their parents had an awful divorce.

Maybe they are worried about money.

Maybe they do not feel established enough in their career.

Maybe marriage has simply never mattered to them.

Maybe they are frightened of commitment.

Maybe they want to be with you but genuinely do not believe marriage adds anything to a relationship.

Or perhaps they are uncertain about your relationship itself.

Those possibilities require completely different conversations.

Try asking:

"When you imagine getting married, what part of it makes you uncomfortable?"

That will probably tell you more than asking the same yes or no question for the twentieth time.

3. Don't Confuse "Not Now" With "Not Ever"

Timing matters.

Someone saying they do not want to get married at 24 does not necessarily mean they will feel the same way at 30.

Young adults are getting married later than previous generations. Pew Research Center found that only 29 percent of Americans aged 25 to 29 were married in 2023, compared with 50 percent in 1993. At the same time, 69 percent of unmarried 18 to 34 year olds surveyed said they wanted to get married eventually.

So wanting marriage eventually but not feeling ready today is hardly unusual.

The important question is whether you are dealing with different timelines or different destinations.

One can potentially be worked through.

The other is much harder.

4. Ask What Would Need to Change

If your partner says they are not ready, ask:

What would make you feel ready?

This question matters because "not yet" can otherwise become an indefinite waiting room.

Maybe they want to live together first.

Maybe they want to reach a certain level of financial stability.

Maybe they want another year together.

Maybe there are relationship problems they genuinely want to work through first.

Those are things you can discuss.

But if there is never an answer, or the answer constantly changes, it is reasonable to ask whether "not yet" actually means something else.

You deserve clarity.

Not necessarily a proposal tomorrow.

But clarity.

5. Don't Try to Convince Someone Into Marriage

You can explain why marriage matters to you.

You can discuss their concerns.

You can challenge assumptions.

You can talk about what your future could look like.

What you cannot do is argue someone into genuinely wanting marriage.

And you probably should not want to.

The Gottman Institute describes commitment as an active choice rather than something couples simply drift into. Certified Gottman therapist Zach Brittle puts it this way:

"Commitment is about choice."

That matters.

A reluctant yes after two years of pressure is not the same as two people enthusiastically choosing the same future.

You should not have to win an argument to get someone to marry you.

6. Be Honest About Your Non Negotiables

Compromise is essential in relationships.

You can compromise on where you spend Christmas.

You can compromise on how much you spend on a sofa.

You can even compromise on whose deeply questionable taste in artwork makes it onto the living room wall.

Some decisions are harder to meet halfway on.

Marriage can be one of them.

If getting married is genuinely important to you, pretending it isn't might preserve the relationship today while creating resentment later.

Equally, someone who genuinely does not believe in marriage should not have to abandon that belief simply because they are afraid of losing their partner.

The difficult question is:

Can I genuinely be happy in this relationship if marriage never happens?

Not tolerate it.

Not hope they eventually change their mind.

Actually be happy.

7. Talk About the Life Behind the Wedding

Sometimes couples disagree about marriage while agreeing about almost everything marriage represents.

Do you both want to spend your lives together?

Do you want children?

Do you want to buy a home?

Do you see yourselves as a family?

Do you want financial commitments together?

Do you expect monogamy?

Do you want to care for each other as you get older?

Perhaps one person wants all of those things but does not particularly care about being legally married.

For the other person, marriage might be the symbol that ties all of those commitments together.

Understanding that distinction can completely change the conversation.

Are you disagreeing about your future or about what you call it?

8. Don't Use an Engagement to Fix Uncertainty

Sometimes marriage starts to look like a solution to relationship insecurity.

"If we get engaged, I'll know they're committed."

"If we book the wedding, things will feel more serious."

"If we get married, I'll finally feel secure."

That is a lot of responsibility to place on a ring.

Marriage can formalise commitment.

It cannot manufacture it.

If you are seeking marriage primarily because you need proof that your partner will not leave, the more important conversation might be about why the relationship does not currently feel secure.

9. Give the Conversation Space

You do not necessarily need an answer by Sunday.

If you have never properly discussed marriage before, your partner might need time to understand what they think.

Give each other space to think.

Then agree to come back to the conversation.

The important thing is that space does not become avoidance.

There is a difference between:

"I need some time to think about this. Can we talk again next month?"

and:

"Why do we have to keep talking about this?"

One creates room for reflection.

The other closes the conversation.

10. Accept That Love Does Not Solve Every Incompatibility

This is the hardest part.

You can love someone and want different things.

Nobody necessarily has to be wrong.

If marriage is fundamental to the future you want and your partner fundamentally does not want to marry, there may not be a clever compromise that makes everybody happy.

That does not make the relationship a failure.

It means you have discovered something important about your compatibility.

Sometimes the bravest relationship conversation is not:

"How do I get them to change their mind?"

It is:

"If neither of us changes our mind, what does that mean for us?"

Questions Worth Asking Each Other

If you want marriage and your partner doesn't, try having a conversation around these questions:

1. What does marriage mean to each of us?
2. Why do I want to get married?
3. Why do you feel unsure about marriage?
4. Is this about marriage generally or about our relationship?
5. Is the issue timing or marriage itself?
6. What would need to happen for you to feel ready?
7. What future do we each imagine together?
8. Do we want children, a home and a shared financial future?
9. Would I genuinely be happy if we never got married?
10. If neither of us changed our position, could this relationship still work?

You do not need to answer them all over dinner tonight.

But you probably should not avoid them forever either.

Different Timelines Don't Automatically Mean Different Futures

If one person wants marriage and the other isn't ready, your relationship is not automatically doomed.

People reach major life decisions at different speeds.

One person might have imagined their wedding since they were 15.

The other might only just be considering what marriage actually means.

What matters is whether you can talk about the difference honestly.

Can the hesitant person explain what is holding them back?

Can the person who wants marriage explain why it matters without issuing an ultimatum?

Can you both listen to answers you might not particularly want to hear?

And ultimately, are you still heading towards a future that works for both of you?

A Place to Start

Sometimes the argument about marriage is really an argument about something underneath it.

Commitment.

Trust.

Money.

Children.

Independence.

Family.

Timing.

Your vision of the future.

Our Relationship Test explores 19 dimensions of your relationship to help you understand where you align, where you differ and which conversations might be worth having.

It will not tell you whether you should get married.

And it will not tell you whether you should break up.

It simply gives you a clearer picture of the relationship you are making that decision about.

Because before you decide on forever, it helps to know whether you both imagine the same one.